Particular Taste
by CatsBalletHarveySpecter
Summary: Harvey tells Donna he loves her and then runs off to Vegas to avoid dealing with his feelings. He deals with those feelings by returning home with a surprise, a wife. Set in season 4, after "Intent"
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Me again, back to bring you some good ol' Darvey angst. This fun little story is set after Intent (and will be a few chapters)**

**As always, a massive thank you to my lovely beta May for all her hard editing work!**

**Happy Reading - xxS**

* * *

**Chapter 1: When did you fall out of love?**

_If anyone else ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter. But with you, it's different._

His words echo through her mind as she downs the contents of her wine glass, still stuck in her place by the sofa, wondering what the hell just happened.

_Why?_

_You know why…_

Did she? Was his sudden admission of love really so shocking or had part of her always known, always hoped, that maybe the feelings she'd harbored for him were reciprocated.

_You know I love you, Donna._

Like a knife to the gut as they rattled around inside her mind, festering. What did it all mean? He told her he loved her and then walked away and the only thing she could think was, how? How did he love her? Was it like a brother or a cousin or the kind of love you have for a cat or did he love her? Harvey Specter was not the kind of man to make grand gestures, he signed birthday cards with only his name and seldom participated in any tradition that involved going above and beyond and yet, he stood there in her living room, a mere five feet away from her and told her he loved her, and she had no idea what it meant, or how he meant it.

Of course, she knew how she wanted him to mean it. The sudden tightness in her chest and racing pulse once the words left his lips only reconfirming what she'd known in her heart for nearly as long as she'd known him; she was in love with her boss, and deep down, she was hoping he was in love with her too.

Sinking onto her couch, she pours the remaining red wine into her glass and downs it in two fluent gulps, waiting for the liquid to dizzy her and alleviate some of the heaviness she felt in her chest. He told her he loved her. He told her he loved her, and he walked away.

Part of her contemplates going after him and demanding an explanation, but she knows she's had far too much to drink at this point and chasing him won't do her any good, so she wills herself to get ready for bed and convinces herself that she'll find him waiting for her first thing the next morning, an explanation and a coffee in hand. There's no way he would tell her he loved her and then disregard the conversation, was there?

Convincing herself to stay calm, she climbs under the covers and closes her eyes, trying to shift her focus to anything that doesn't involve Harvey. Shakespeare… well, there was that one time he came to one of her shows. Louis… he said the funniest thing about Louis last week. Her attempts are hopeless, and she lies there wide awake replaying a singular thought on a loop, he told her he loved her, and then he walked away.

.

.

He's not sure what posses him to do it. Maybe it was the wine, or maybe his emotions finally got the best of him but before he can stop himself, he's standing in Donna's foyer telling her he loves her and she's staring back wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

He panics and sees himself out, leaving her speechless and pondering.

_You know I love you, Donna._

Did she know? Or did he just accidentally jeopardize the one constant in his life? The look on her face when the words left his lips told him she wasn't expecting him to say those words, and if he's being honest, he wasn't expecting to say them either.

He hadn't fully come to terms with the way he felt about her and yet, here he was standing outside her door, wondering whether or not he should go back inside and explain.

_You know I love you, Donna._

He'd always felt drawn to her, in the years since she joined him at the firm, their bond had only strengthened, but lately, he found himself craving to be around her. She was the first person he wanted to share his bad news with, and the first person he wanted to celebrate the good news with. She made him smile in ways only she knew how to, and lately he found himself coming up with more excuses to spend time with her outside of the office.

He lied to himself every time he asked her to stay for drinks or to order from that shitty Thai place she loved so much, telling himself it was because they were friends, and this is what friends did. He lied to himself when he went home and dreamt about her, the way her dresses left her freckled shoulders exposed and how he longed to kiss between each of her freckles, telling himself it was because she was an attractive woman, not because he himself was attracted to her more than physically. Her mind captivated him, the way she read people so well while maintaining empathy and compassion, she was a fucking marvel, and it scared him. So he lied.

That is, until he forgot about the promise he'd made to himself, a promise that he would ignore his feelings towards her, and he told her he loved her. And now, he was going to have to face her, which meant facing his feelings and he wasn't ready to do either.

He supposes part of him had always known how he loved her, but that was what terrified him the most, how he loved her. Because how he loved her was all-consuming. She infiltrated his every thought and every word when he allowed her too and he was petrified at just how badly he needed her.

He was facing the same spiral of thoughts he had years prior, weighing out his options when it came to telling her how he felt because his fear of losing her altogether outweighed his love for her, and he couldn't let the way he felt about her scare her away, he wouldn't let it scare her away, especially if she didn't feel the same way.

Instead of turning back towards the gold numbers that read 206, he found himself bolting for the elevator, desperate to be anywhere else.

_You know I love you, Donna._

God, he was an idiot. He ruined everything all because he couldn't keep his feelings in check. There was only one thing left to do, run.

When he makes it downstairs to where Ray is waiting, he slumps into the back seat with an exhausted sigh, his mental war having taken its toll on him.

"Where to, Mr. Specter?" Ray asks from the front seat.

"Take me to the airport Ray, I feel like playing some cards."

.

.

The blaring lights and clinking of the change bring a calming sense to him as he strolls through the packed casino floor on his way to the poker tables. Taking a seat next to an older gentleman in a tuxedo, he accepts his cards, drawing his hand back against the green felt lining the table with a cocky grin.

Three rounds in, and he's nearly forgotten about her. The way her questioning eyes watched as he walked away, the glimmer of hope that flashed across her face when he said those three little words. Who knew that three words, eight letters, could turn his life upside down in a matter of seconds.

Three drinks in and her flaming red locks are almost a distant memory. Four and the blonde by the bar catches his eye and the next thing he knows he's going all-in and strolling towards the bar with the lanky blonde on his arm. In the back of his mind, there is a nagging thought that's screaming at him to stop this charade, to run home to her and own up to his feelings, but the thought gets neglected and he decides to devote all of his attention to Mikayla, or Miranda, or whatever it was she said her name was.

.

.

Luckily, she has the weekend to figure out what she wants to say to him, and after the way things were left, she needs all the time she can get before having to face him. She spends the weekend mulling over her options. She could confront him, asking him how he loved her and hope for the best. Or, she could ignore the conversation and they could go on living their working lives pretending he'd never come over that night. Neither option particularly struck her as simple, and when Monday morning finally rolled around, she was both ready to get the morning over with and angry with him for leaving her alone with his words all weekend.

There were several times throughout the weekend when her phone would buzz and she was sure it was him offering an explanation, but it never was. She hadn't even received a work-related email from him since last Friday and she was slightly concerned something terrible had happened to him before spotting the back of his head in his office that morning as she purposefully strode towards it.

She draws in a deep, steadying breath before stepping into his office, willing herself to rip off the band-aid and just go for it before she chickened out.

"Listen, Harvey… We need to talk about what…" she stops dead in her tracks when she spots the young blonde sitting at his desk. Her perky brown eyes peering out at her from behind Harvey, her tight black dress drawing attention to her every curve and accentuating her already long legs.

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt, I can come back," she mumbles, turning swiftly on her heel towards the exit.

"You're not interrupting. Donna, this is Miranda. Miranda this is Donna, my secretary," He introduces them, unable to meet Donna's eyes.

"Nice to meet you" Donna reaches out and shakes the women's hand.

"Are you a new client of Harvey's?" she asks, willing Harvey to look at her but he seemed to have found a sudden interest in the scuff marks on his left shoe.

"Oh no, I'm his wife," she grins innocently, holding up her left hand and showcasing a massive engagement ring.

Donna sees Harvey's lips move as he says something, but the world around her quickly becomes white noise as she mumbles an excuse and leaves his office as quickly as she can, making a beeline to the women's room where she falls to her knees and sobs the moment the door clicks shut behind her.

She was a fool for thinking that maybe he was ready for this, that he was finally ready for them.

Harvey Specter told her he loved her and then ran off and married someone else, and once again she was a fool for thinking they could ever be something more than a boss and his secretary.

.

.

"Donna?" his voice echoes throughout the women's room and as his steps draw near. She desperately tries to pull herself together on the other side of the stall, willing herself to stop sniffling just moments before his steps stop outside the door and he lightly knocks.

"Donna," he tries again, this time in a softer, more hushed tone.

"Please talk to me," he whispers, both of his hands coming to rest on the outside of the door.

She turns away from it, leaning against it with her back so she doesn't have to see his feet, and how close he's standing.

"Why?" she whispers.

"I didn't mean for you to find out that way," he explains, pacing now, three steps away from the door, and three steps back.

"And what way did you mean for me to find out?" she fires at him, the door flinging open allowing her to angrily march towards him. Her tear stained eyes tell him she reacted exactly as he expected her to, though he hadn't given much thought to what her reaction would be when he asked Miranda to marry him.

He never intended for Miranda to come to the office, but in his haste and rush to leave that morning, he forgot his briefcase and needed her to drop it off. He'd been an absolute mess since returning from his trip, forgetting simple things, snapping at undeserving people and worst of all, he now had a wife.

A wife.

How he let it get this far, he'd never know. But he'd decided to make the most of it and Miranda had accompanied him back to the city so he could get to know her better. In his head, it was a great plan. He would marry her and prove to himself, and everyone else that he didn't have feelings for Donna. It was a foolproof plan, except for one thing, he forgot that Donna would find out and the heartbroken look on her face was shattering his own heart. Was he really this selfish? Did he really do something to benefit himself at her expense?

She continues to angrily pace towards him, backing him into the sink, the expression on her face shifting from broken to angry and one look in her eyes tells him he made a mistake.

"Go on, what way did you expect me to find out that you got married?!" she yells.

"Donna I-"

"You what Harvey?! You're sorry that you told me you loved me and then ran off and _MARRIED_ someone else? Is that it?"

"Donna, please…"

"No Harvey, we're done here. You and me, this is over. Whatever_ this_ is," she gestures between them.

"I've been helping Louis look for replacements for Norma, and I think I just found him one."

"You're leaving me?" he stares back at her, expressionless.

"You expected me to stay?!" she fumes.

"I just thought…"

"You thought wrong. Consider this my official notice," she cries, a small tar escaping her eye and rolling down her cheek.

She turns towards the exit, leaving him clutching on to the sink with both hands, studying his reflection in the mirror.

"Oh, and congratulations," she says before leaving him alone in the ladies' room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - Break my heart again**

"Louis, I found a replacement for Norma," she tries to smile as she heads straight into his office from the ladies' room.

"Donna that's wonderful what's she like?" Louis asks without looking up from his desk.

"She's standing right in front of you," she adds.

"Are you serious?!" he exclaims, moving from his desk to envelop her in a bear hug.

"Wait, Donna are you crying? What happened?" Louis asks, immediately brushing the tears from her cheeks.

"It's nothing Louis," she tries to brush it off, stepping out of his embrace.

"It's not nothing, Donna you're shaking."

"Hey Louis have you seen D…" Rachel asks as she rounds the corner into his office.

Upon spotting Rachel, Donna can't help but break, the tears free-flowing now as she falls into her best friends' arms.

"Hey hey, it's okay," Rachel tries to soothe her, rubbing her hand along Donna's back and silently asking Louis over Donna's shoulder what happened. He responds with a shrug that tells her he doesn't know so she tries to calm Donna down further so she can coax it out of her.

Steadying her breath, she sniffles and wipes away her tears, standing up straight she collects herself and tries to offer Rachel a small smile.

"Sorry, I'm fine, just an overwhelming day at home," she reasons, "Now, Louis what do you say I reorganize that file system?"

"File system?" Rachel looks between them confused.

"You haven't heard the good news, Donna is coming to work for me," Louis beams with a toothy grin.

'Right," Rachel says skeptically, "Well I'll leave you two to it, Donna why don't you come by after work? I have some wine that's begging to be opened."

"Sure Rach," Donna mumbles and Rachel excuses herself.

Rachel makes a beeline to Harvey's office, knowing that something must have happened to make Donna want to work for Louis. Donna had been loyal to Harvey since the day she met them both, and she can't imagine that something as simple as Harvey's obnoxious attitude was what finally drove Donna away.

"What the hell did you do?" Rachel demands as she struts into his office, failing to notice the blonde standing near the window.

"Wow word does travel fast around here but I was expecting more of a congratulations," he adds dryly, his gaze wandering down the hall.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Rachel asks, only then noticing they weren't alone.

"I assumed you were here because you'd heard the good news and came to meet the Mrs."

"I came down here because…wait, the what!?"

"Miranda, this is Rachel, she's an associate here. Rachel this is Miranda, my wife."

"Your wife," Rachel repeats, unable to formulate any other words.

"My wife," Harvey repeats.

Once Donna left him with his thoughts in the bathroom, he managed to pull himself together and upon coming back to his office, he decided that he wasn't going to let anything ruin his weekend mood. He'd had the time of his life with Miranda in Vegas; she made him happy and that was all that mattered. This was a good thing and he was going to treat this as a good thing.

"I'm so sorry I had no idea you were getting married, congratulations," Rachel replies with the best enthusiasm she can muster up. Donna's sudden outburst suddenly made a lot more sense, because if Rachel didn't know Harvey was getting married, she doubts Donna knew either.

"Thank you, it's nice to meet you, Rachel. Harvey's told me so many things about the incredible woman he works with, and he was right, you are beautiful." Miranda gushes as she shakes Rachel's hand.

"Are you sure that was me he was talking about," Rachel mumbles under her breath, hoping Miranda doesn't catch it.

"What was that?" the blonde asks.

"Oh, I just asked how long you two have known each other?"

"We actually went to law school together, we just happened to run into each other this weekend."

"You're a lawyer?"

"Not exactly, I dropped out after our second year," she explains, resting her hand on Harvey's shoulder as she took a place behind him at his desk.

"Did you need something Rachel?" Harvey asks, peering up at her with guilty eyes from his desk.

"Nope, I think I got everything I needed. Congratulations again, really I'm so happy for you two," she smiles before leaving. She finds Donna in Louis' office, kneeling down on the floor and sorting through his files, clearly trying to busy herself.

"You know," she says when Rachel joins her on the floor.

"Do you need me to kick his ass?" Rachel offers, leaning her head on Donna's shoulder sympathetically.

"It's not his fault I'm a fool," she sighs, placing the Henderson file behind the Heather's file.

"You're not a fool!"

"How much did he tell you?" Donna asks, unable to look Rachel in the eye.

"Not much, he only introduced me to her. Why? What aren't you telling me?"

"I think this is a conversation that would best be had after a few glasses of wine."

"Then what do you say we take an early afternoon and kick off girls night a little bit early?" Rachel asks.

"Are you sure?"

"Donna, for you, of course I'm sure."

.

.

A few hours later, after Rachel explaining to Louis that she and Donna needed to take the afternoon off, they find themselves on Rachel's couch, two bottles of wine deep. So far, they'd discussed everything but Harvey. They chatted about Rachel and Mike's new dilemma involving what colour to paint the kitchen and even laughed about Louis' new associate scandal. She'd almost forgotten the real reason she came over, until Mike came home and stared at her with apologizing eyes and she knew Rachel had told him.

"Do I need to kick his ass?" was all he said while he kicked off his shoes in the foyer.

'It's okay, Rachel already offered," Donna replies with an attempted smile.

"I'm sorry Donna," Mike offers with a sad smile.

"What on earth are you sorry for?"

"I'm sorry that he doesn't see it," Mike replies before excusing himself and leaving Donna and Rachel to girls' night.

"I wasn't going to bring it up, but now that it has been, what happened Donna?" Rachel asks softly, her hand falling on Donna's knee.

She begins to recall the events of the previous Friday to Rachel, telling her about how Harvey came over to celebrate and after dinner they found themselves on the couch with some wine. She tells her how Harvey saved her and watches as Rachel hangs on her every word, waiting for her to reach the climax of the story. She sighs before she continues, knowing that once she tells Rachel the whole story, she'll want to discuss details and figure out why Harvey had run off, and those were questions she not only didn't have answers to, but preferred to avoid thinking about.

Her entire afternoon was filled with what ifs and questions. Her mind processing information a mile a minute, trying desperately to dissect every part of their conversation the week before while also processing the way she felt about this entire situation. She knew the moment he left her apartment what she wanted his words to mean, because she felt the same way. It only took a few moments after he left for her to realize she wanted everything with him, and knowing Harvey as well as she did, she knew he wouldn't be the one to make the next move, so she took matters into her own hands.

She went to his apartment that night, after she lay awake wondering, only to find it empty and returned to her own apartment heartbroken and confused. Where could he have possibly gone at this hour? Once she was back home, her confidence began to wear away, and she had to work herself up to marching into his office and demanding to know what he meant by telling her he loved her, and that's when she met his wife.

Which answered her first question in the most heartbreaking, indirect way. She'd convinced herself that his silence over the weekend was due to him confronting his feelings for her, when in reality he was off marrying someone else. Someone that was not her. He introduced her to the random women in his office as his secretary. Not his friend, not his colleague, and certainly not as someone who meant more to him than someone that he maintained a working, professional relationship with.

"Wait, so you guys had a good time over a bottle of wine? What am I missing here?" Rachel asks, brows furrowed.

"Before he left, he… he told me he loved me," she whispers, her stare falling to where she was fiddling with her thumbs in her lap.

"He told you he loved you? In those exact words?" Rachel asks, shocked.

"I believe his exact words were,_ 'You know I love you, Donna_."

"Woah"

"Yeah…"

A silence falls around them as Donna finishes the contents of her wine glass and Rachel processes the information she just received. Donna shifts awkwardly in her seat while she waits for the influx of questions, she knows are coming her way.

"Say something" Donna prompts, unable to handle to silence filled by the thoughts screaming in her mind.

"Did you say it back?"

"What?" she stares back at her friend confused.

"Did you say it back? When he told you he loved you…"

"I didn't exactly have the chance to say anything. He left and then…"

"Would you, have said it?" Rachel presses.

"Rach" Donna replies, delaying the inevitable. She'd only recently come to terms with her feelings for her boss herself, she wasn't expecting to share what she'd discovered so soon.

"Donna, I know how hard it might be to talk about it but please, let me in."

"Yes, I would have said it back, I was going to say it back… I even went there but he wasn't home and now…"

"He's married." Rachel finishes for her. "Oh Don, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, we're both adults here, I can move on."

"Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be? Clearly he's moved on and I should too."

"I don't want to make this any worse than it already is, but are you sure he's moved on and isn't running from his feelings? I mean you said it yourself Harvey isn't the most emotionally available person, what if this was his way of dealing with the things he told you?"

"You think he's dealing with being in love with me by marrying someone another woman?" Donna jokes, slightly more lighthearted than Rachel expected for someone who was hurting.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it… Look Donna, you know the man better than anyone else, just at least talk to him, hear what he has to say."

"I appreciate the advice Rachel, but I think it would be best for both of us if we put this entire situation out of our minds and I just move on."

.

.

A few days after Donna goes to work for Louis, Mike finds himself knocking on Harvey's office door. It was well past 8pm and most of the other employees had retired for the night, so he took advantage of the opportunity to finally talk to Harvey alone.

"You busy?" he asks, letting himself into the office and heading straight for the decanter, pouring them each a glass.

"I guess not, what's up Mike?" Harvey eyes him curiously while taking the drink Mike slide in his direction.

Mike seats himself on the couch and takes a long sip of his drink before looking Harvey dead in the eye and answering.

"What the hell are you doing?" Mike fires across the room at him.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I may not know the full story but what I do know is that something happened between you and Donna and then you went off and married someone you hardly even know."

"Watch it Mike" Harvey warns, getting up from his desk and pacing towards the window.

"You don't know anything about this," he adds.

"No, you're right I don't know what the hell happened between you and Donna that made you run off to Vegas and marry a woman you hardly know, but what I do know is that it hurt Donna, and I'm not okay with it."

"I never meant to hurt her!" Harvey snaps, turning towards the window.

"But you did…"

"I didn't want to! It just… happened."

"What happened between you and Donna, Harvey?" Mike asks.

"I… I screwed up," he admits, downing the rest of the amber liquid in his glass.

"I told her I loved her," he adds, finally turning back towards Mike and joining him on the sofa.

"Donna?"

"Yes."

"Okay, you're going to have to fill in the gaps here…" Mike explains, trying to figure out how telling Donna how he felt lead to him asking for someone else's hand in marriage.

"Last week, after everything with the case I went over to Donna's and we got to talking over some wine. I knew I should leave before I told her something I'd regret but before I had the chance to leave I told her I loved her, and then I panicked."

Mike stares back at Harvey, willing him to continue and he does, knowing that he needed to process what happened and doing it alone terrified him almost as much as sharing what happened with Mike did.

"I took off for the weekend because I was afraid I'd screwed everything up. Our lines, mine and Donna's have been pretty well defined for years and I never meant to help blur them. That was when I ran into Miranda, we went to law school together and one thing lead to another and well," he holds up his hand and flashes Mike the silver band on his ring finger.

"Did she say it back?"

"What?" Harvey stares back at Mike with a blank expression.

"Did Donna tell you she loved you too?"

"Well no… I left right after I said it, I didn't really want to stick around so she could tell me she didn't feel the same way."

"Harvey! You didn't even give her a chance! What if she feels the same way?"

"Trust me, you should have seen the terrified look on her face, she doesn't feel the same way."

"You don't know that…"

"I do know that Mike, it's just easier this way, if I move on."

"And you really like this Miranda person?"

"Yes," he answers unconvincingly.

"So, you're in love with Donna," Mike states rather than asks after a few moments of silence.

"I don't want to talk about it," Harvey mumbles, pouring them both another glass.

"I think that could be part of the problem, you need to confront your feelings you can't run from them?"

"Are you done with this lecture?"

"Yup, I just think you should at least take a moment to think this over."

"Noted." Harvey nods, quickly downing the contents of the glass again.

.

.

On his way home nearly a week after Donna left him to work for Louis, he found himself finally replaying what happened that night. Her stunned reaction when her uttered the words he'd been fighting to conceal for years. He couldn't love her, they were friends, colleagues and nothing more. What he was feeling that night was a surge of old emotions being dug up. He hadn't been to her place since the other time and their emotions were running high, there was nothing else to it. There was no alternate meaning, no subconscious ploy. He loved Donna like a sister, or a cousin. He most certainly was not in love with her, or so he tried to convince himself he wasn't.

He makes his way up to the penthouse, dreading having to fill Miranda in on the events of his day. She was a lovely girl, always had been, but her tendency to always want to talk was making him stir crazy. In law school, they ran in separate circles, so they never spent more than a few hours together, and now that she was taking up residence in his Manhattan apartment, he suddenly started to realize his marriage was being used as a distraction from his feelings.

Except that it wasn't a distraction from his romantic feelings, because he didn't have romantic feelings. He was using it as a distraction from hurting her, something he couldn't bear to live with. The hurt that filled her eyes when she told him she was going to work for Louis haunted him, it kept him up at night and left his stomach unsettled. For years she was his only constant, the only person he could count on and he hurt her. He hurt her when he told her he loved her and he walked away, and he doesn't know why. Doesn't understand what made him turn around and walk away. He does know that Miranda served as a welcome distraction from his initial round of hurt, but so far he'd found nothing that could mend the hurt that came with introducing her to his _wife_.

God, he was a mess. His thoughts were as scrambled and distorted as the chaotic breakfast Miranda had tried to serve him that morning before work. She was great, but there was something lacking between them and he couldn't put his finger on it. Normally, a lovely girl such as Miranda would serve as a perfect distraction for weeks on end, but hardly a week into their relationship and he found himself floundering, encompassed by an unfamiliar feeling that screamed this was not right.

Stepping off the elevator and turning the key in his door, he takes a moment to remind himself; this marriage is a good thing, it's helping you move on. You're moving on because you hurt Donna, not because you love her. You don't love her. You can't love her.

_Because she doesn't love you_… the thought echoes in the back of his mind as he enters his apartment.

.

.

The next day when he enters the office kitchen, she's making a coffee, her back to him so she doesn't notice right away when he comes in. He notices her hair isn't curly today and he wonders why she'd suddenly changed her hair style; he was always a fan of the red curls.

"Oh sorry, am I in your way?" she asks finally noticing him hovering in the doorway.

"No, no rush" he smiles moving to fetch one of Louis' ridiculous Litt Up mugs from the cupboard next to her.

"How have you been? How's working with Louis?" he asks while she pours sugar into her own coffee.

"We don't have to do this Harvey…" she replies, still focused on her beverage.

"Do what?"

"Make irrelevant small talk," she answers.

"It's not irrelevant if I genuinely want to know how you're doing…"

"You lost that right the moment you made it clear that you will always put yourself first," she retorts with a sting in her voice.

"Donna…"

"I'm sorry Harvey, I just… can't… I can't do this," she sighs before leaving the kitchen.

He stares after her for a moment, the magnitude of what he'd done crashing down on him. He let himself do the one thing he promised himself he would never do, and it cost him everything. Not only did Donna want nothing to do with him, but he'd lost his closest friend.

Jessica comes in while he's still staring after her and gives him a once over, "Harvey, are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" he responds before he realized who had asked.

"Well for starters Donna is now working for Louis and I can't imagine that's been easy for you. You practically begged me to hire her when you came back here from the DA's office."

"It's fine she got me a replacement" he mumbles, still not fully engaged in the conversation.

"I didn't mean because your secretary left, I meant because…"

"Because what?" he interrupts, a silent plea for her not to finish that sentence.

"Never mind," she shakes her head, "Louis tells me congratulations are in order, when do I get to meet the unlucky lady?"

"Don't you mean the lucky lady?"

"She did marry you after all…"

"Very funny," he smirks slightly, "You'll meet her at the silent auction."

"Your first big firm event as a married man, how exciting," she says before leaving him alone in the kitchen once again with his semi warm coffee and his thoughts.

.

.

After running into Harvey several more times in the next few days, Donna eventually caved and decided the least she could do was make small talk with the man, after all they'd been partners for over a decade, she could show him a tiny bit of empathy. It started with a simple "How's your day?" and eventually they worked up to chit chat about what they'd had for lunch, or the latest crazy scheme Mike and Harvey were attempting to pull, but the conversation topics avoided anything involving his wife or the case that set this entire avalanche in motion.

While she was glad that they'd started talking again, she wanted to ensure he didn't get the wrong idea that they would ever become the type of friends they were before the incident. Small talk at the office was one thing but she drew the line at after hours conversations that teetered on the edge of professional and personal. She knew her reasoning was a tad bit selfish, but she refused to have her heart broken by him again when she had hardly processed and was far from over the last time he had broken it.

Harvey on the other hand considered their small talk progress. He would never admit it aloud but he missed spending time with her outside of the office. Miranda was more of a homebody and there were nights he found himself wishing he could call her up and ask her to grab dinner with him. Their recent small talk development was also helping with his denial, and he had managed to convince himself that he woke up in the middle of the night with a Donna sized ache in his heart because he missed their friendship, and not because he married the wrong woman. Sometimes Miranda would wake with him upon noticing he was having a nightmare and each time he sold her the same old song and dance; he was just working on a stressful case and he would be fine once it was over.

Exactly two weeks after returning from his impulse trip to Las Vegas, he found himself waiting for the elevator, ready to head home and pour himself a hard-earned drink. Just before the elevator door can close, a small manicured hand stops it and Donna gets into the elevator, jacket in hand.

"Hey," he greets her, pressing the button for the ground floor as the doors close behind her, leaving the two of them encased at the elevator began to descend.

"Any weekend plans?" he asks, standing two steps behind her while they both face the exit door so he can't read her expression.

"My mom is actually in town," she answers, shifting her jacket in her arms.

"Need me to attend any more dinner parties?" he jokes and chuckles to himself before quickly realizing she isn't laughing and quiets himself, regretting his decision to try and lighten the mood.

"What about you, any plans?" she asks, changing the subject and choosing to ignore his comment about the first time he'd ever stepped foot in her apartment.

"I think we're going shopping for hand towels," he explains, using the term we instead of referring to his wife by name as if that will somehow make things better.

"How domestic," she clucks as the elevator lurches forward and all of the lights power off.

Skidding forward, she tosses her jacket on the floor and grabs on to Harvey's arm in an attempt to steady herself. When the elevator stops moving, she's grateful he can't see her blushing cheeks as she releases her hold on him in the dark.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles an apology, her eyes struggling to readjust to the sudden darkness.

"Don't worry about it, are you okay?"

"Yeah, are you?" she asks, and she sees him nod in response.

"What the hell happened? I'm going to call Louis and see if he can get us out of here," she says, fishing her phone out of her bag and letting out a sigh when she sees there is no service. With an annoyed sigh, she takes a seat on the elevator floor - her back to the wall with her legs stretched out in front of her.

Harvey pulls out his phone to verify he doesn't have service and joins her on the floor with a thud. They sit in a comfortable silence for a while, neither knowing what to say first. Things had been rocky between them and they feared saying the wrong thing would only make matters worse.

After what feels like an eternity, Harvey is the first to break the silence, unable to help himself from taking the opportunity he'd been granted to have time alone with her where she couldn't walk away from him and would have to listen to what he wanted to say.

"Can we… can we talk about it?" he whispers into the darkness. He feels her entire body tense at his question but he knows it's what needs to happen if there is any hope of mending their relationship.

He takes her silence as an indication to keep talking, "Look Donna, I know I shouldn't have told you that I loved you and then run off…"

"You shouldn't have told me, or you shouldn't have run?" she interrupts, her voice soft and hesitant.

"What difference does it make?" he asks, leaning his head back against the elevator wall.

"What difference does it make?!" she bursts, jumping to her feet and pacing across the front of the elevator.

"It makes all the difference in the world, because not telling me you loved me is one thing but you not running after telling me is another… So which should you not have done?!"

He takes a moment to think about his answer, knowing what each of his possible answers implied. If he told her he shouldn't have said he loved her, he was telling her that he didn't have feelings for her, and if he told her he shouldn't have run, he was telling her he did. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place he had barely had time to come to terms with on his own, but he suddenly knew how he wanted to answer. A tiny part of him having always known how he would answer this question, what he would do if she turned around and claimed she loved him too. It was the same part of him that let those three little words slip that night, the same nagging part in the back of his mind that reminded him he thought of her as more than a friend. And for the first time since returning from his trip, he decides to listen to that part of him and tell her, and himself, the goddamn truth.

"I shouldn't have run," he answers, and she falls silent, shocked.

"But you…"

"Said I loved you, I know," he says for her as he joins her standing.

"How?"

"How?" he repeats, unsure of what she's asking him.

"Last Friday you said you needed to leave and you stopped to tell me you loved me before you did. I need to know how?"

"Donna, I-"

"Love me how, Harvey?" she asks again, stepping towards him, his back hitting the wall with a loud bang.

He searches for the right words to answer her question, but he draws a blank, standing between her body and the wall, his heart racing 3000 miles a minute.

"That's what I thought! Just when I thought that maybe you were ready to open up to me, to have a real discussion about our feelings, you can't even answer this!" she fires at him, the anger emanating off her body.

"I'm not the only bad guy here!" he yells back, "You didn't exactly say anything about the way you feel!"

"Because you never gave me a chance too!" she yells, her arms flailing above her head in a sign of frustration.

"Well we have all the time in the world now… please be my guest," he says sarcastically, shining a spotlight on her inability to process her own feelings rather than let her attack his.

She fumbles over a few words and mutters a couple of things under her breath before dropping a hand on her hip and leaning away from him.

"Not so easy, is it?" he gloats, elated to have the upper hand.

"I've always known I love you Harvey" she whispers, walking herself into a corner on the opposite side of the elevator.

"I haven't always known how, but I do now" she whispers again, and he takes two steps towards her.

"And how do you love me Donna?" he whispers back, now looming over her with darkened eyes, trapping her between the wall and where his arm rests beside her head.

"I love you like I want you to be mine," she cries, the aching in her voice causing his heart to break.

He leans closer to her, his pulse thumping as he opens his dry mouth and begins to speak, "Donna, I love you like…"

Before he has a chance to tell her how he loves her, the elevator lights snap back on and the doors chime as they open, revealing a grinning Louis and a repair man. Donna releases the breath she'd been holding as Harvey pushes off the wall and backs away from her, both looking anywhere but at each other as Louis rushes to see if they're alright.

Once Louis sees they're unharmed, he leaves them to themselves with a curious glance. He had no idea what was up with the two of them, but based on what he just walked in on, he hopes they can figure it out.

"Donna can we talk?" he asks when he sees her putting on her coat and preparing to leave.

"I think talking was a mistake, I think it would be best if we just put that conversation, and this one out of our minds and moved on," she says before shoving past him and out the revolving doors in the lobby to hail a cab.

He stands there, baffled by her sudden change in attitude. One minute she's confessing that she loves him and the next she can't get away from him fast enough. His mind can hardly process the fact that she said she loved him when he spots her, Miranda, waiting for him in the lobby wearing a massive grin. That must have been what caused Donna's sudden change of heart. He musters up his best fake enthusiasm and walks over to her, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek.

"Everything alright? You look rattled," she observes, slipping her fingers between his as they walk towards the exit.

"Everything's fine," he lies, knowing she saw them get out of the elevator together. After Rachel's comment and Donna's reaction to meeting Miranda, she asked him about his former secretary and if she had any reason to feel jealous. He reassured her they were nothing more than friends but the look on her face when he answered her told him she wasn't a hundred percent convinced.

The car ride back to his apartment is quiet, his mind replaying his almost moment with Donna in the elevator on a loop. He was going to tell her. He was going to tell her what he'd been telling himself wasn't true, he loved her and wanted to be with her. Except, he couldn't be with her. Shit, he was married. He almost just became everything he's always resented, yet he didn't regret any of it and it terrified him.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Thanks for coming along for the ride guys! Here's the final part

(As always a massive thank you to my Beta May )

Happy Reading - xxS

* * *

**Chapter 3 - lets fall in love**

She hadn't talked to him since the instance in the elevator, but she knew she'd made the right decision to walk away. He was someone else's husband and knowing Harvey as well as she did, she refused to hurt him by making him the one thing she knew he couldn't stand, a cheater. Once again, she decided to put him before her own feelings, and she was left to deal with the heart-breaking aftermath while entertaining her mother and pretending everything was fine.

The following evening with the firm's annual silent auction, an event they held to raise money for a local charity and had nearly slipped her mind in the all commotion. Luckily, she and Rachel had gone shopping the week prior and she'd selected a stunning, open-backed form fitting gown that made her feel like a million dollars. All she needed now was a date and after a few glasses of wine and a small self pity party, she knew exactly who she wanted to bring.

.

.

"So, should we crank it up a notch?" Tanner smiles down at her, a glimmer in his eye.

"Crank what up a notch?" she stares back at him, annoyed with the smug look plastered across his face.

"Common Donna, it doesn't take a genius to see you only invited me to this thing to make Harvey jealous."

"That's not true…" she sighs.

"That's too bad, because based on the amount of times he's glared over here in the past fifteen minutes, I'd say its working."

Donna peers over to where Harvey and Miranda were dancing, the sight of the blonde practically wrapped around his body making her stomach curl. Her hands resting around Harvey's neck taking her back to the time her own hands wound around his neck as he carried her down her hallway and towards her bedroom, their lips never parting as he moved them effortlessly to her bed. That should be her, holding him like that, and she hated that she could feel her jealousy bubble and begin coursing through her veins. Next thing she knew, she was dragging Tanner in the direction of the dance floor, desperate to distract herself from the dizzying jealousy fuming through her body.

"Easy Red, if you wanted to dance all you had to do was ask," he smirks, taking her in his arms.

"You were right, I want to make him jealous," she says, placing her hands on his shoulders as he begins to sway them to the music.

"Darling, I think everyone in this room can see that your both trying to make each other jealous."

"He's not trying to make me jealous, he's married." She says, moving closer so her cheek is pressed to his ear.

"He might be married, but that man's eyes have been glued to you since we stepped foot on this dance floor and I'm pretty sure if looks could kill I'd be a goner."

"Look Donna, I don't know what the story is between the two of you, but I've always known that you're Harvey's kryptonite and the reason for that is he cares about you. Judging by the way he's been staring at you over the blondes shoulder all night, I'm guessing he cares about you a lot more than he leads on, maybe even as more than a friend."

"When did you become so insightful?" she teases, relaxing in his arms.

"Just because I hate the man, doesn't mean I can't see what's going on here."

"I'm surprised you agreed to come tonight," she adds.

"I knew you asked me here to make him jealous, I could never pass up that opportunity. Besides, spending an evening with a pretty girl like you isn't the worst thing."

She's grateful he can't see her blushing cheeks as the song switches to a much slower jazz tune and he pulls her just a little bit closer and she lets herself rest her cheek on his shoulder.

"So, what do you say Red? Are we going to make him pay for whatever he did to hurt you?"

"You mean whoever he did to hurt me?" she can't help but roll her eyes and chuckle at her own words, the hurt being too much to revel in any longer.

"The blonde," Tanner observes.

"The blonde," she confirms.

"Do you trust me?" he asks, his hand grazing over the small of her back.

"Geez Tanner ask something a little simpler…" she jokes, and she feels him smile against her cheek.

"Do you trust me at this moment? To help you get what you want here?"

"I suppose I do."

"Then follow my lead," he smirks, pulling back and meeting her gaze, tucking a stray curl behind her ear.

.

.

Harvey watches over Miranda's shoulder as she leads Tanner onto the dance floor. Of all the dates she could have showed up with tonight, she had to show up with Travis fucking Tanner. His blood boils as he watches Tanner's hand flit across her back while they order drinks at the bar and his eyes follow them as they make their way across the room, Tanner's arm leading Donna.

She looked incredible. She always looked incredible but tonight in her black open backed gown and long red curls, she stopped time. He found himself downing a second glass of scotch as he waited for Miranda to return from the washroom, cursing himself for wishing she was here on his arm. He briefly lets his mind wonder what her dress would look like discarded on his bedroom floor but quickly the thought dissipates when Miranda rejoins him and slips her arm between his.

Miranda works the room exceptionally well and he can't help but notice the similarities between her and Donna; Mike always did tell him he had a particular taste. The more he thought about it, the more he came to terms with the fact that he married Miranda to avoid facing the way he felt about Donna; feelings he was still struggling to put into words.

Tuning out as Miranda and Louis chatted about a former Harvard professor, it finally hit him. Watching as she laughed at something Tanner said out of the corner of his eye, it suddenly all slammed into him like a bag of red bricks. Marrying Miranda was a mistake because he didn't love her, not in the way he was supposed to.

He was in love with her file system and the way she subtly stole bites of his bagels. The way she was the most beautiful women in the room but was oblivious to her beauty. He was in love with their long nights talking about nothing and everything. With the way her smile made him feel alive and the way a single touch set every nerve ending in his body on fire. He was in love with Donna Paulsen. And it only took making the biggest mistake of his life for him to realize how.

He loved her how the moon loved the stars.

How the sea loves the shore.

_How Harvey Specter loves Donna Paulsen_.

Miranda interrupts his epiphany and asks him to dance, and he doesn't know what to do except take her hand and follow her onto the dance floor. How the hell did he get himself into this mess? And more importantly, how was he going to get himself out of it?

"You're staring" she says as he takes her in his arms.

"What?" he asks, caught and flustered.

"You're staring at her again," his wife shrugs over her shoulder in Donna's direction.

"I wasn't…."

"Did you love her?" she asks hardly above a whisper.

"What?"

"I see the way you look at her Harvey, I'm not an idiot. If you want to make this work, I need you to be honest with me," she pleads, her eyes glossing over with tears.

"Yes…" he sighs, knowing lying to her will only prolong the inevitable.

"Do you still love her?"

"Miranda," he whispers her name as both an apology and a plea.

"That's all I needed to hear," she mumbles, still in his arms as they move to the music.

"Now what?" he asks, his heart lodged in his throat. He never meant to hurt her, to hurt either of them, and yet here he was, a monster that hurt everyone he cared about.

"We finish this dance and then we say goodbye," she whispers, nestling her head into his neck.

For the duration of the song, his eyes stay glued to Tanner and Donna, his jealousy ramping up as Tanner pulls her closer and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. When the song ends, he watches as Tanner leads her off the dance floor and towards a corner of the venue while he hugs Miranda and tells her he's sorry.

He walks her over to retrieve her coat and walks her to where Ray is waiting to take her home.

"Are you going to be there when I get back?" he asks before she gets into the backseat.

"I think it's best if I'm not," she sighs.

"Goodbye Miranda," she leans down and places a delicate kiss on her cheek.

"Goodbye Harvey."

He's headed straight for the bar once Ray's pulled away, needing something a lot heavier than a single scotch to drown his grief and self pity when he spots them. Tanner with his arm wrapped around Donna's waist, standing next to the dance floor and whispering something she evidently finds hilarious in her ear.

.

.

"You ready?" Tanner whispers, tightening his hold on her waist.

She hated that she'd sunk to this point, this petty high school jealousy game, but she needed him to understand how she felt when he showed up at the office with Miranda on his arm. She wanted him to feel the way she did when she learned he'd run off and married another woman; broken, lost, and hopeless.

She nods and within seconds he closes the distance between their bodies, his lips crashing into hers with a surprising softness. She's initially caught off guard, but once she processes what's happening, she begins kissing him back. She's not sure why she does it, she'd never had a desire to kiss Tanner before, but in this moment, kissing him was freeing her of every emotion that had taken hold of her life and held it captive this past week. Every time their lips met another piece of anger slipped away, the resentment she'd kept pent up, the self pity wall breaking down and soon her hands were coming up to cup his head and he was deepening the kiss.

Her eyes flicker open at the sudden loss of contact and she looks up to find Harvey standing over Tanner, whom he just punched.

.

.

He can't take it anymore. Watching him touch her, the way she's flirting with him, it's all too much. Something in him snaps the moment Tanner kisses her and before he can stop himself he's gliding across the venue floor, pulling Tanner back by the collar and landing a punch to his face.

"Harvey what the hell?!" Donna cries, staring at him with bewildered eyes.

"I'm sorry, I just… I couldn't help it," he mumbles as Tanner gets back to his feet.

"What so you if you can't have her no one else can either?" Tanner fires at him and Donna immediately regrets asking him here.

"That's enough Travis let's just go," she pleads but his steps towards Harvey and the stern look on his face tell her he isn't about to go anywhere.

"I would listen to her if I were you," Harvey adds, squaring up to him.

"Where's your wife Harv? Can't imagine she'd be too thrilled with you playing knight in shining armour to Donna here, oh wait, she didn't need any saving I think she was enjoying her evening quite well."

"Drop it Tanner," he warns.

"Why? From what I understand, you've had years to make your move, what did you think that she was going to wait around for you forever? What's the matter Harv, did I hit a nerve?"

"Tanner I'm warning you, back the hell off," Harvey spits.

"Of her, or you?"

"That's it" Harvey exclaims, stepping towards Tanner and taking a swing he dodges.

"Harvey! That's enough!" Donna yells and he suddenly flushes with embarrassment. What was he doing, standing in the middle of the event fighting with Tanner when she wasn't his to fight for.

He mumbles some form of apology and stuffs his hands into his pockets before excusing himself and heading up towards the roof.

"You okay?" Tanner turns to face her once Harvey's out of earshot.

"You just had to push his buttons, didn't you?" she asks, her arms folded over her chest.

"All I did was ask the questions he should be asking himself. I'm sorry you had to be here to see that, but maybe it will help him see it."

"See it?"

"Maybe it'll help you both see it," he sighs, before leaning over and placing a tender kiss on her cheek.

"Goodnight Donna."

.

.

She follows him onto the roof, the anger coursing through her body fueling her with each step as she marches towards where he's standing, overlooking the city.

"Seriously Harvey?! You can't go around punching my dates, don't I deserve a chance to move on too?" she calls as she comes up behind him.

He turns to face her and she notices the tears staining his cheeks, his face flushed.

"Do you think it's easy for me to see you with someone else? To watch him touch you… kiss you…"

"Do you think it's easy for me?!" she throws back, "You got married to someone else! You told me you loved me and then left me" she cries, tears beginning to form as she chokes back a soft sob.

"I chased after you, you know. I went to your apartment after you left because I needed to tell you that I loved you too, but you weren't there. And then you came home, and you were taken so please, for my sake, just let me move on."

"Loved?" he picks up on the use of the past tense in her sentence.

She closes her eyes and draws in a deep breath, her hands trembling, the cool fall air suddenly causes her to shiver.

"I can't tell you I love you Harvey, not when you're with her."

"Donna-"

"No, just let me say this first. I know that it may have been naïve, but when you told me you loved me that night, for a second there I let myself believe that you meant it. And then you came back married to someone else and I was crushed, because I had finally realized that I was in love with you too. And you broke me," she begins to cry and it takes everything in him not to take her in his arms and comfort her.

"You broke my heart, and I let you break it. And maybe it's just as much my fault as it is yours for always putting you first, for god's sake I was still putting you first even after you married her but I just couldn't be the person that turned you into your mother… and maybe I shouldn't have told you how I loved you in that elevator… and I definitely shouldn't have gotten my hopes up that you loved me the same way because you're with her and I just…need…you…to let me go. Let me move on because I can't have you and my god Harvey you can't keep playing games with my heart. You love me, you choose her. You're with her, but you love me?" she's rambling now but she doesn't know how to stop and he doesn't dare stop her.

"So no, it's not loved, I love you. I always have and I probably always will. Maybe this is selfish of me to say but for once I'm going to put myself first and I have to tell you, I'm in love with you Harvey Specter, and I know you're with her but you shouldn't be, you should be with me."

He closes the distance between them in two quick strides and his lips crash into hers, her arms finding their natural place in his hair as he leans down and encircles her waist with his arms, lifting her off her feet slightly while kissing her. He pulls back, breathless and finds her wandering eyes filled with questions.

She tries to step back but his arms keep her in place, "We can't do this, not like this."

"Like what?"

"What about Miranda?" she whispers, his arms holding her against his body.

"You were right, I should be with you" he smirks before leaning down and kissing her again, this time with more patience and tenderness.

When they part again, she rests her nose against his while they catch their breath, the feel of her lips on his unlike anything he'd ever felt.

"Things didn't work out, between Miranda and I. We've decided it would be best if we went our separate ways," he explains, his hand trailing down her arm until his fingers intertwined with hers.

"They didn't?"

"Turns out, even she knew someone else had my heart…"

"Harvey…"

"I'm sorry Donna. I never should have run. I didn't know how to handle the way I felt about you, if I'm being completely honest, I still don't, and it scares me. I can't lose you because to me, you are everything. I ran because in my head, I didn't know how I was supposed to love you, I didn't think I could be a man worthy of you. But I know now that that isn't up to me, all I can do is try and be a man that's worthy of being loved by you. You want to know how I love you Donna? I love you like I've been drowning and you're a source of fresh air. I'm in love with you, and I want…"

This time it's her turn to pull him down for a kiss, a kiss she deepens with a moan, his touch setting her skin on fire.

"We really messed up, didn't we," he whispers, having her in his arms suddenly a surreal feeling after all of the denial, and heartache the past week had been filled with.

"You really got married in Vegas?" she chuckles, lightening the mood.

"By the best Elvis money can buy."

"Now what?"

"We give this a shot?"

"I'm in if you are…"

"I am so terribly in love with you Donna Paulsen."

"It's a good thing I'm pretty in love with you too."


End file.
